


Use A Light to Guide Me Home

by reliablyimperfect



Series: You Make Me Strong [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Fluff, Louis takes a lot of baths, M/M, Physical Abuse, Punishment, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, This isn't all sad, Verbal Abuse, Whipping, happy ending!, there will be a second part and I already know (kind of) where I'm going with it!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 22:27:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4323162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reliablyimperfect/pseuds/reliablyimperfect
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“A beautiful boy walks into a coffee shop…”<br/>That’s the beginning of the most clichéd story, right? And that’s how this story starts. Except, the beautiful boy is covered in bruises, and he doesn’t say a word.<br/>Turns out, he’d hiding more than a few bruises, and Harry is determined to get him to talk.</p>
<p>He succeeds and then some.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Use A Light to Guide Me Home

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been obsessed with Abusive Relationship stories lately because I’m a little fucked up, and this is what came out of that. I really like how it’s turned out, and I tried to focus on Louis’ abuse as much as I could. I've read so many stories that skip over or only slightly touch on the actual abuse. I didn't. The "Graphic Depictions of Violence" isn't used lightly, guys. This is some pretty heavy shit. So, please don't read if it will have negative effects on your mental or emotional state. Also, I've focused a lot on Louis' recovery. I don't care how much you love someone. You don't get over something as traumatic as abuse quickly. So, there are struggles, heartache, and tears all throughout this story, and there will be the same in the sequel. Now, this isn't meant to turn you away from this story. I just wanted to put it out there.  
> I have proofread this myself, so any and all mistakes are my own.  
> Title taken from Stockholm Syndrome by One Direction.  
> I don’t own the boys and nothing that happens in this story is even remotely true, blah, blah, blah.  
> Please keep an eye out. There will be at least two parts!  
> Enjoy!

“I’ll take a…um…a frappe. And a blueberry muffin.” One of our regulars, Danielle, said. It took a few minutes, but she finally figured out what she wanted. This little coffee shop didn’t have many customers now. It was half ten. Most people were either at work or in school, but Dani got out of one of her classes early and decided to drop in for a bite.

Taking a look around the nearly empty café while I worked on her drink, I smiled at the older woman sat alone at a table next to the window. She was the only other customer here. She’s a sweet woman. Betty, if I do remember correctly. Betty had been coming here for years with her husband. And even after he passed away last September, she still came in at least once a week.

As I poured Dani’s drink in her cup, the bell above the door chimed. I glanced up to greet the person entering, but my breath caught in my throat. The boy was beautiful. He had mussed up, light brown hair that was artfully disheveled. It was hard to tell if the look was intentional or if he really just rolled out of bed. His blue eyes darted around the shop anxiously. But what caught my eye was the bruise forming on his jaw. The darting eyes and the bruise led me to one conclusion. He must have been getting picked on by that local “gang.”

“Hey, mate!” I called. The boy jumped, but caught my eyes. “You want some ice?” I motioned to my cheek, and he blushed, but nodded minutely. I handed Dani her drink and muffin and went into the back to get a plastic bag I could use as a makeshift ice pack.

I scooped up a few ice cubes and wrapped a couple napkins around it as an afterthought. I beckoned the boy over and handed it to him. I smiled at him sympathetically. I’ve been lucky enough not to have tangled with that Malik boy’s gang. It wasn’t even a proper gang. They just smoked and hung around in dark alleys. They waited for some unfortunate person to happen along and they’ll take a punch or two at them. Maybe take a few bucks from their wallet. I’ve never seen one of their injuries bruise this bad though. The boy scurried away without a word, obviously still spooked. He sat at a table made for two by himself and pressed the ice to his face, wincing.

A few minutes later, he checked his watch and then threw the ice pack away. Just as he sat down, two more regulars, Niall and Liam, walked in.

“Hey guys!” I called in greeting, lifting a hand in a wave to both of them. They grinned back at me.

“Hey, Harry. We’ll be up soon to order.” Liam replied. He made his way over to the table the boy was sitting at. Liam pulled up a third chair to the table and left Niall to come up to the counter.

“Hey, Harry.” Liam smiled. He was a good kid. Easy to get along with. And his boyfriend, Niall, was someone you just loved to be around. He was such an upbeat person. He was always smiling at you.

“Hey, Li. What can I get for you guys?”

“Niall wants two muffins, any kind, and a hot chocolate. I want a bottle of water.”

“And him?” I asked, meaning the boy.

“Louis? Oh, he doesn’t want anything.” Liam said, following my line of sight to the bruised boy. The darkness wasn’t bad. It wasn’t as noticeable, but I saw it because I was looking for it.

I grabbed Liam’s water and two muffins from the display. Chocolate chip, Niall’s favourite, and blueberry. Liam smiled and dropped them off at the table. When he came back, the hot chocolate was ready.

I watched the little table interact as I washed some of the dishes. Right as Liam sat down, he looked up at Louis. His eyes hardened and he reached across the table, grabbing Louis’ jaw. Louis had been looking down at his lap, but Liam forced him to look at him. They exchanged some words, and I heard Liam slam his fist onto the table. Louis’ face crumpled and Liam moved his chair around and hugged him.

The group left about ten minutes later, but I noticed that Louis walked left out of the shop. He was walking away from the university campus. Maybe he lives at his own place.

 

***

 

The next time I saw Louis, the bruise on his cheek was a gross yellow colour. It was healing, but there was a new injury to take its place. There was a nick over one of his eyebrows, and he had a split lip.

“Hey. You need some more ice?” I asked. Louis just nodded. “Anything else?” A shake of the head.

I walked back to grab a bag again and, repeating the same motions, I filled the bag with ice and wrapped it with a few napkins. However, instead of sitting down to wait for Liam and Niall, Louis walked out of the restaurant immediately after I handed him the bag. Weird.

 

***

 

_Shit!_ I forgot to clean up my breakfast mess. He’s going to be really angry with me. I ran home as fast as my legs would allow. Thankfully, I beat him home, but luck wasn’t on my side today. Just as I started cleaning up, he walked in the door. I flinched from the sudden noise in the quiet flat.

“Where the fuck are you?!” A voice shouted. I made no noise, knowing I’d be in more trouble if I did. “In the kitchen. How appropriate.” He walked into the kitchen and leaned against the wall. I continued my cleaning.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you.” He growled. I snapped my head up, looking into his eyes obediently. I knew he could tell how scared I was. He should be used to it by now, though.

“You didn’t clean up today, I see.” Oh no. I almost thought I got away with it. But of course not.

“I told you there would be consequences if you didn’t clean up your mess.” This was spoken in a soft voice. I was almost fooled into thinking I wasn’t going to be punished. Almost.

“You know what to do.” He said in a bored tone. I nodded and scurried out of the room. I pulled off my clothes and situated myself on my knees facing the foot of the bed. I squirmed with apprehension. Maybe he’ll go easy on me today since we played last night.

The door was flung open, and I flinched but didn’t turn around. I knew the consequences for that, too: I was blindfolded. He shuffled around the room carefully. From past experience, I knew he was changing into his sexy ripped jeans. They hugged his toned thighs and hung off his hips in the most delicious way. But I wasn’t allowed to touch; that got me tied up.

“Alright, baby. Come here.” He called. I stood up, keeping my eyes trained on the floor. I stopped one foot away from him, watching his feet. “Look at me.” I met his gaze evenly. I knew my place. I didn’t need to think. He would tell me what to do. “Good boy.” I keened under the praise, but it didn’t hold out for long.

“So, you know why we’re doing this, right?” He asked. I nodded. “Tell me. You can speak.”

“I’m being punished because I didn’t clean up the mess I left in the kitchen.” I said softly. “I’m sorry, Derek.”

“Exactly. And what do you think you punishment should be?” I shrugged. “Speak.”

“Spankings. Or the crop.” I said instantly. The “crop” as I called it, was a black leather riding crop. The pain wasn’t as intense as it could be. It was almost pleasurable. He seemed to know that, too.

“Those are too easy. I’ve used them in the past and you haven’t seemed to learn your lesson. I think we need the belt.” He said evenly. In spite of the calm in his voice, terror coursed through my blood. The belt hurt. A lot. And my bum was still slightly tender from the spankings I got for breaking a mug a few days ago. However, I knew better than to refuse, so I nodded.

“We’re going to do ten. So, bend over the table.” He manhandled me over to the polished wood table. It was at hip height. He leaned me over onto the smooth, shiny surface. I splayed my hands out on the wood and waited.

“Count with me, okay?” I nodded. I felt the sharp bite of the belt where my thigh met my bum. I yelped and counted.

“One.” This was followed by a second on the opposite side.

“Two.” The next three were in quick succession and left tears swimming in my eyes.

“Three, four, five.”

I had to wait for the next one. The anticipation building. I _almost_ turned around to look at him, but right when I lifted my head off the table, two more were delivered. I whined softly.

“Six and seven.” I breathed. A tear had fallen onto the polished surface.

The eighth was sharp and quick. I felt his warm palm spread over my cheek, kneading firmly. I believed he was going to stop early. Right after I relaxed my muscles, he whipped me once on each cheek.

“Nine. Ten.” I whimpered. I shut my eyes tightly as I heard shuffling behind me.

“I’m going out again. Don’t forget to clean up the kitchen. I mean it this time.” I nodded in response, even though the front door had already opened and shut. I let out a ragged breath. I can’t cry. He would know if I cried. Last time I cried, he whipped me again. But I was okay for now. He was gone.

That wasn’t so bad. Maybe he found out I lied to Liam and Niall about the bruise. I knew they didn’t believe me. I think they’ll piece it together soon. But maybe that’s why today’s punishment was so easy. Before I could get sidetracked, I pulled on some soft boxers, careful of my sore bum, and walked awkwardly into the kitchen to start cleaning.

Bending over was a challenge, but I managed to clean the entire kitchen in a little less than forty minutes. I used the spare time to strip out of my underwear and take a well deserved bath. I soaked in the warm water for almost ten minutes before I thought to wash myself off. The water felt so good I almost fell asleep. I had done that once. Just once.

 

***

 

“Liam, Niall, good to see you again!” I called out, grinning as the couple walked up to the counter. They smiled at me simultaneously and I fake-gagged at their cuteness. “Where’s your friend?” I couldn’t help but worry about the kid. He’s showed up twice here with bruises, and I can’t help but wonder what he did to that Malik kid to make him worthy of these beatings.

“Louis? Oh, he should be here soon. He’s always running late.” Liam said with a fond look in his eyes. You could tell all three of them really cared about each other. The door chimed and, speak of the devil, Louis was walking in. Although, I couldn’t believe what I saw.

He walked in with Zayn Malik.

“Zayn! We haven’t seen you in forever!” Niall called, jumping in for a hug. Zayn rolled his eyes, but allowed himself to be hugged, wrapping a loose arm around the blonde in return.

Now, I don’t know about you, but if you were getting beaten by someone, you wouldn’t hang out with him willingly. Maybe they’re all friends and Louis doesn’t want to ruin that by telling the rest of them that Zayn keeps beating him up.

“Harry, this is our mate Zayn. Zayn, our favourite barista, Harry.” Liam introduced. I flashed a halfhearted smile at the introduction, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Louis. Surely there would be some sort of uncontrollable impulse if Louis was being hurt by this guy, right? Flinching or something, maybe?

“Oh, Harry, don’t let the tattoos and leather jacket fool you. Malik is a good guy.” Niall cheered, grinning.

“What can I get for you guys?” I asked.

“Usual for us,” Liam said, pointing at him and Niall. “Zayn?”

“Um…I’ll take a cup of tea.”

“Louis?” I found myself asking the boy. His eyes darted up, and then fell back to the floor almost immediately. He shook his head. “Alright then. I’ll get started on that.” They all made their way to a booth, sliding in and getting comfortable. As soon as their drinks were made, I grabbed the muffins and walked the tray over to the table.

“Oh, thanks, Harry.” Liam said, smiling up at me. I nodded in return and went back behind the counter. I straightened some things up and cleaned off the dishes. When the bell chimed, I turned to greet someone, but I saw the four boys leaving.

“Have a good day!” I called out. They turned and waved as they went away, and I walked over to the table to wipe it down. I almost gasped when I saw a five pound note sitting on the table. I bet it was Liam. I’ve always known he was sweet.

 

***

 

“Hey, baby.” Derek’s voice greeted me and sat down on the couch next to me. A footie game, between my home team, the Doncaster Rovers, and some African team, I’d been waiting weeks to watch was _finally_ on and it was down to the last few minutes. The game was tied, and I was on the edge of my seat. The weather outside was turning dark with the impending storm, but it isn’t predicted to rain for a couple more hours. The game would be long over by then. I smiled in response to the greeting.

“C’mon, babe. I want to have some fun.” He said, pressing kisses into my neck. I squirmed away, trying to let him know without words that I wasn’t up for it. He typically understood. He wouldn’t force me into anything. “Please?” I shook my head. “Why not? You can speak. Tell me.”

“I really would like to watch this game. Please, Derek, can I watch it?” I asked softly, using my best manners.

“Wouldn’t you rather have fun with me?” He asked. I shook my head, kissing his cheek softly, hoping he’d understand my silent “maybe later.”

“Okay, baby, I’m going to go do some yard work. Try not to cheer too loudly.” He teased. Playful Derek was my favourite Derek. Before he got into all of this, he was always like this. Someone opened him up to this type of relationship, and he hasn’t gone back since.

A minute left in the game. Still tied. The Rovers were setting up a pass. The announcers came over the speakers announcing “There’s promise here. Will Harry Forrester make the goal and win the spot in the semi finals for his team?!”

Forrester sets up the ball. I’m on my feet. I can tell he’s going for the right pocket. A grin stretches over my face. He draws his leg back, and then the power goes out.

“What?! No!” I scream. I flop back onto the couch. Niall is going to kill me for missing the last shot. The storm wasn’t supposed to hit for another few hours. I glare out the window at the rain. I’m surprised when I don’t see any, though. Maybe the wind knocked out the cable.

Derek walked back inside a couple minutes later.

“It started rumbling, so I came back in. What happened to the game? Who won?” He asked.

“Power shut off before Forrester could take the last shot. I can’t believe it.” I sighed.

“I know how to take your mind off of it. Wanna?” He asked. I sighed, but nodded. He wouldn’t give up until he got some. Might as well since the game got cut off.

Derek was pretty rough, but that’s just how he is. My throat burns, and my bum is sore, but he’s asleep, so I slip out. I know exactly where to go.

 

***

 

I may or may not be late to work. Okay, so I am. It’s not like there’s going to be a line of people waiting to get coffee. I jogged up the street until the little shop came into view. I saw a ragged looking person propped against the wall. I looked the other way as I unlocked the shop. I didn’t have any change on me, and I didn’t want trouble, so I unlocked the store as quickly as I could.

“Harry?” An unfamiliar voice croaked. It shot terror into me. A stranger knows my name. I turned around, hoping I won’t regret it.

“Louis.” I breathed in relief. “You scared me.” He raised his eyebrows at me in question, and I could feel my blush.

 “I didn’t recognise your voice. Thought a stranger knew my name.” I chuckled. “Come on in. Do you need ice?” He shook his head, and I frowned.

“What are you doing here, then?” He shrugged. “Why won’t you talk?” Louis opened his mouth, but then seemed to think better of it.

“Please talk to me.” I said. I needed to hear his voice again. I wasn’t paying enough attention the first time.

“Can I have a banana nut muffin and a Yorkshire tea?” He asked in a soft voice. It was high pitched, but so lovely.

“Of course. Anything else?” He shook his head and followed me into the shop. I powered up the machines and turned on the lights. I flipped the ‘closed’ to ‘open’ and set about getting Louis’ order ready. I handed him a tray with a tea cup of hot water and a Yorkshire tea bag on it. He smiled and sat down at a table near the counter.

I grabbed a muffin and put it on a plate and took it to Louis. He smiled his thanks and, since there was no one else here, I asked.

“Can I join you?” He seemed to think about it, but then nodded.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” _Idiot. Of course he doesn’t. Way to state the obvious._ He smiled a shy smile and shook his head. “Why?” He shrugged. “You can talk to me.”

“I’m not allowed.” He mumbled around the muffin.

“Sure you are. Ever heard of ‘Freedom of Speech’? It’s like an Amendment.” I said.

“Yeah. In America.” He said, giggling. He’s so adorable when he giggles. I frowned. He’s right.

“Well, I’m sure you can speak whenever you want in any country.” I said. “Plus, I like hearing you talk. So you should talk to me.”

“Okay.” He said softly. I grinned at him.

“So, you’re mates with Niall and Liam?” I asked.

“Best mates. I’ve known them for years.” He smiled.

“And Zayn?” I inquired nonchalantly.

“He’s a best mate, too. We met him at Uni. We just kind of adopted him into our group, and he’s been a good addition.”

“It doesn’t bother you that he picks on people with his gang?” I found myself asking. _Jeez, Harry. That was smooth._

“He doesn’t do that anymore. He’s been off the streets for almost six months.” _Oh_.

“That’s good. Really good. I didn’t know he was on the streets to begin with. So, does he live with you?”

“No. My boyfriend would never allow that. He thinks Zayn likes me. But Zayn lives with Niall and Liam.” _Louis has a boyfriend. Of_ course _Louis has a boyfriend. He’s gorgeous. But, if Zayn’s off the streets and isn’t hurting Louis, why is he covered in bruises all the time?_

“Woah, Curly. You’re thinking pretty hard over there. I can see the smoke coming out of your ears. You alright?” I want to scream ‘No! Tell me what’s hurting you!’ but that might have the opposite effect on him, so I just smiled and nodded.

“So, what do you like to do in your free time?” I asked him.

“Um, I play FIFA on my Xbox when my boyfriend lets me use the TV. I hang out with Niall and Liam sometimes. I really like to watch movies, and I like to take baths.” He listed.

“You should come over; we could do all of that. We could play FIFA or watch a movie, but you’re on your own with the bath. I’d like to hang with all of you, actually. You guys seem really cool.” I grinned at his pink cheeks. I may be a little pushy sounding, but I _had_ to get to know Louis. He’s so pretty. He’s all I’ve been thinking about lately. I can’t take my mind off of him. He’s very distracting.

“I’ll ask my boyfriend. I’d like to do that, too.” He smiled softly.

 

***

 

It took almost two weeks to get this little plan together. Louis only came into the coffee shop twice a week. Maybe he comes in after classes. Since he has a limited schedule, Liam, Niall, Zayn, and I did most of the planning. We waited for Louis to set up the date since he has the tightest schedule.

Louis showed up with Liam and Niall. Zayn couldn’t make it. His car broke down a couple days ago, but he said he’d come next time. I showed the boys around, and we chilled for a little bit. We talked a bit, and we had a few laughs. Louis is pretty funny now that he talks a lot. He’s really witty and cheeky. He’s amazing. I caught myself staring a few times. There weren’t any visible bruises on his body, and I’ve never seen a more beautiful person in my life. I think Liam caught me staring a couple time. His sly grin in response to my furious blushing was a bit concerning. I wasn’t sure if he’d tell Louis I had been ogling him like a creeper.

Louis and I ended up on the same couch. He was really opening up around me, and I was certainly okay with that. Liam and Niall were cuddled up on the floor. I had thrown down a few blankets to cushion it a bit, and I think Niall may be asleep.

“Hazza, ‘s cold.” Louis whined. He burrowed into the blanket I had thrown over our laps when the movie started. It was pulled up to his chin, and he looked so cute. I don’t know when he came up with the nickname for me, but I didn’t mind. I liked that he felt comfortable enough to do that.

“C’mere?” I offered, opening up my arms. I was offering a cuddle, but from his instantly wary gaze, he seemed to think I was gonna smother him in my chest or something. He eventually came closer though. He settled into my chest carefully, folding himself up. I shifted him onto my lap and stretched my legs out from under him. “Mmm, Lou, you’re comfy.” I mumbled. He was soft and warm. I could already feel myself drifting off. He smelled good, too. Like fresh laundry detergent, soap, and the underlying scent of _Louis_. There was a hint of body spray, like he wanted to wear it, but then thought better of it. He smelled amazing.

“You calling me squishy?” He grumbled petulantly.

“No, babe. You’re warm.” I said into his hair. His feathery hair. Over the last couple visits to the shop, we had quite a few conversations. He made sure he came in a little earlier than the other lads. We talked up at the counter or, if there weren’t many customers, I’d go sit down with him.

I was falling for a beautiful boy with temporary bruises and a permanent boyfriend.

 

***

 

“Get the fuck in here, bitch.” Derek growled. I scurried into the TV room. There was several beer bottles scattered across the table. I already knew this wouldn’t be a fun afternoon. After seeing Harry yesterday, Derek hadn’t come back until late. I wasn’t subjected to his attitude or anything. It was almost perfect. Actually, it _was_ perfect. Until now.

I held my arms behind my back, feet together, and stared at the floor. The Position.

“Get in the bedroom. Five minutes.” His voice was a little slurred. He’s always held his drinks really well, but with the eleven or so beer bottles lying on the table and on the floor, I knew he was heavily intoxicated. I nodded and raced up the stairs. I knew if I refused, it would be worse. That’s how it always is with him.

I was trembling in anticipation. _What is he going to do today?_ He barged in the door and I flinched. I always did. I wonder what brought this on. He normally doesn’t drink this much.

“Hands and knees,” He ordered. I complied, dropping onto the floor quickly. “Good boy.” I keened under the praise. I had always been a sucker for it.

“Do you know why we’re doing this?” He asked. I shook my head. “Do you really not know, or do you just not want to say. Speak.”

“I really don’t know, Derek. I’m sorry.” I answered automatically. I really _didn’t_ know what I did, but if he thinks I did something wrong, I probably did.

“You’re being punished for leaving the house without permission.” He growled.

“But, Derek, I-” He cut off my sentence with a harsh bite on my back with the belt. _When did he pick that up?_

“Did I _say_ you can speak?” His voice was menacing. It sent chills down my spine. The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up. I shook my head. “Now, why did you disobey me? Why didn’t you just ask for permission to leave?”

“I’m sorry, Derek,” I said first. He nodded, accepting my apology. “I went out to see Niall and Liam. You told me I could see them twice a week. This was the second time.” I explained. I didn’t want him to know the real reason. I didn’t want him to make me stop seeing Harry. He already limited my time with Niall and Liam. Harry was _mine_.

“Well, I’m taking it back. You can only see them once a week.” _WHAT?!_

“But, Derek-” Another whip was landed on my skin. This time, though, on my spine. I let out a strangled sob, arching my back, trying desperately to get away from the pain.

“No discussion. Unless you want to make it twice a month?” He sneered. I shook my head miserably. “Good boy.” Except it didn’t feel good this time to be called a good boy.

 

First, he whipped me. Including the two for talking out of turn, he landed fifteen slaps onto my bum, back, and legs. They were throbbing. I thought he was done. But he was just getting started. After he did that, he tied me up, gagged me, and fucked me quick. It hurt and felt good all at the same time. Tears ran down my cheeks. When he finished, he pulled out and slapped my cheek.

“Are you crying, bitch?” He growled. I mumbled around the gag, and he took it out, allowing me to answer.

“No,” I panted. “It just felt so good.” It did feel good, but it hurt a little more.

“Good boy.” He patted my cheek and left the room. I shuddered out a breath and stood up, wincing with every step as I limped into the bathroom. I turned on the water to the bathtub and waited for it to fill up. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out as I sat down. My bum stung _so_ badly. I tasted metal in my mouth, and I released my lip to find that I had pierced the skin. Dammit. Derek doesn’t like it when I have a busted lip. He doesn’t like the roughness when he kisses me.

I allowed myself almost twenty minutes in the bathtub. If Derek knew I took that long, he would be mad. Since he’s not here, I take full advantage of it. It’s not like I’m running up the water bill. It’s a bath. He just doesn’t like me to sit and do nothing when I could be cleaning or something.

 

***

 

Louis was ragged. Not the ‘artfully disheveled’ look I’d seen from him just last week at my flat, which made me realise how much time he had to spend getting ready in the mornings. He looked utterly exhausted. He pushed the door open and gave me a small smile. He flopped down into his usual seat, and put his head down. I frowned. I quickly helped the man in line and hurried over to my friend.

“Lou, what’s wrong?” I asked. He picked his head up like it weighed a ton.

“Just tired, Haz. Didn’t sleep well last night. My head hurts.” He lifted a shaky hand to his head and rubbed at his temples.

“When was the last time you ate something, babe?” I asked. I think I knew what was wrong.

“Um, lunch yesterday, I think. Can’t remember.” He mumbled.

“I’ll be right back.” I said. I hurried over to the muffin case and plucked out a blueberry muffin. I wrapped it up and carried it back to Louis. “Here. Eat this.” I handed it to him.

“Why?”

“I think you have low blood sugar. If you eat that, you should feel fine in a few minutes. I’m going to get you some juice, too.” I added as an afterthought.

“Harry, I don’t have any money.” He said.

“I’ll get it. I’d rather that than you feel poorly. Now, eat. I’ll grab your juice. Orange or apple?”

“You’re not going to leave it alone, are you?” I shook my head, and he sighed. “Apple, please.”

 

“Thanks, Haz. I do feel better.” Louis said. He was gaining a little bit of his colour back. I hadn’t really noticed he was pale until now.

“Anytime. Next time, though, eat breakfast.” I said sternly.

“It must’ve slipped my mind.” He muttered. I had flashes of Louis in bed with his boyfriend, too…preoccupied…to eat anything. The thought made my stomach churn. “You okay, H? You better not be getting sick on me now.”

“Yeah, Louis. I’m fine.” I shook myself, and then changed the subject. “When are the boys coming in?”

“They’re not. Not today anyway.” He shrugged. I raised an eyebrow. “What I can’t come see a mate on my own?” He asked.

“No! I mean, you can. Obviously. Thanks. For coming to see me, I mean.” I stammered out awkwardly.

“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed, Curly.” Louis teased. I rolled my eyes and swatted him with a napkin. He scowled. “Get to work.” He stuck his tongue out at me.

Louis stayed until I got off work at two. We walked back to my place, and hung around for a bit together. After a pillow fight and _Grease_ , our stomachs started rumbling, so I ordered a pizza. Between the two of us, we ate the entire large pizza. We watched another movie, _Love, Actually_ , which ran until around seven. I put in _Avatar_ , a long movie, and we settled down to watch. We found ourselves both on the couch, wrapped around each other again. This wasn’t unusual. I knew I was a cuddly person, and Louis was _so_ cuddly. I just can’t help it.

I don’t know when we fell asleep.

 

***

 

_Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck! Stupid cuddly Harry and his warmth for making me sleepy last night. Derek is going to have my ass on a dinner plate when I get home!_ I gathered up my things from last night, leaving a note for Harry that I had to get home ASAP. _That’s vague enough, right?_

I unlocked the front door, letting out a breath of relief when I found the flat was empty. Just to make sure, I called out a couple times to Derek. I was alone. Maybe he hadn’t come home last night, either. Just in case, I started on a light lunch for him when he returned.

Right as the timer for the spaghetti went off, the front door opened.

“Babe, I made lunch!” I called out. I heard quick footsteps and Derek tore into the kitchen, wrapping me in a hug. It’d been a long time since he hugged me like this, but I found myself melting into him, forgetting the harsh treatment from a couple days ago.

“You’re home. I was so _worried_ when you didn’t come home!” He said.

“I’m sorry, babe.” I said softly. He hugged me again a little tighter, and I groaned. “Easy there.”

“You smell like someone.” He said lowly. _Shit. I didn’t shower when I got home, and Harry was practically koala hugging me last night._ “You’re cheating on me?” He said with a hard look in his eyes.

“No, Derek! Never!”

“Don’t lie, you slut.” He hissed. My cheek started stinging, and then the smacking sound registered in my ears. He had slapped me again.

“I’m not lying-” He landed a punch to my jaw, and I could tell that would bruise. Where was Harry with some ice when you needed him?

“Don’t fucking speak.” I nodded, casting my eyes on the floor. “I don’t know who you’ve been fucking, but I can tell they’ve given you a little spunkiness. We’ll just have to fix that. I’ll remind you who you belong to. You’re _mine_ , bitch.”

He pulled on my arm harshly, tugging me upstairs into the bedroom. I deserve to be punished. I shouldn’t have spent the night with Harry. I belong to Derek. He’s right. I’m a slut. I let my body sag, defeated.

He striped the clothes from my body and pushed me onto the bed. Then, he shuffled over to the box. The box held many things such as rope, tape, gags, blindfolds, and many other things. He held up a few pieces of rope and made his way back over to the bed.

“On your stomach, slut.” I growled. I rolled over. He spanked me once as he moved over me. He tied the rope around both of my wrists and my ankles before he moved off of me.

“Do you know why you’re being punished?” He asked.

“Because I acted like a slut.” I said, ashamed.

“You didn’t _act_ like a slut. You _were_ a slut. That’s why you’re being punished.” He corrected. “Who do you belong to?”

“I belong to you, Derek. Only you.”

“Good boy. Now, no talking.” I nodded into the mattress and squirmed on the bed in anticipation. I felt the now familiar sharp bite of the belt. I yelled. “Shut up or I’ll gag you, too.” He said. Tears were already welling in my eyes. My bum was still sensitive from the punishment I got for seeing Harry the first time. Maybe Derek is right. Harry is a bad influence. I have gotten punished because of him. Twice. I counted with Derek. In total, I got ten whips.

After I caught my breath, I expected Derek to untie me. Instead, I heard the telltale sound of a zipper being pulled down, and my blood ran cold. I didn’t want this. Not now.

“Derek, I-” He smacked my throbbing bottom with an open hand, and I immediately shut my mouth. Maybe I heard wrong. He wouldn’t have sex with me without my permission, right?

“Since you don’t know who you belong to, I guess I have to mark you.” He said. Then, I felt his lips attach themselves to my neck, and he started sucking harshly.

“Stop,” I pleaded.

“I will _not_.” He growled. “You want this, bitch. You know you do.”

“No I don’t!” I cried.

“Then why are you hard?” He asked in a knowing voice. He’s right. My body wants him. Which means I do, too. Right?

I felt a dry finger rubbing against my entrance and, without warning, he pressed in into me. It burned a bit, but other than that, it was okay.

“Yes,” He hissed. “You’re so tight, baby.”

He pulled his finger out, but didn’t give me a second. I felt a thicker, warmer body part _down there_. Then, I knew I wasn’t getting out of this.

“Derek, stop.” I pleaded. He thrust into me with no warning. Tears welled in my eyes rapidly, blurring my vision. The only prep I got was the one dry finger and, as it sounded, the saliva he spit into his hand to lube himself up. I shouted at the burn from the stretch, willing myself to adjust quickly. I knew if I bled on the sheets, he’d make me clean them. He doesn’t do laundry. He pushed into me repeatedly, using my body. I didn’t want this. That thought crossing my mind, that I _didn’t_ want this but he was doing it anyway, made my unshed tears fall.

“Please, Derek. I don’t want this.” I sobbed.

“Stop crying, slut.” He slapped my bum again, and I cried out. “That’s it. Moan for me.”

When he had finished, he carefully pulled his clothes back on and untied me. He left me on the bed with a sharp pat on my bum. I flinched, and he chuckled.

“I’ll be back in a few hours. Do me a favour and clean up in here, would you?” And then he was gone.

I carefully pulled myself up and, as it was the answer for all of my problems now, I started a bath for myself. For nearly thirty minutes, I sat in the water. It eventually got cold and left me shivering, so I quickly cleaned myself off as carefully as I could.

When I was dressed in soft, clean clothes, I realised I didn’t want to sit in this empty flat by myself. I grabbed my backpack, shoved a few pairs of boxers, some shirts, and a pair of jeans into it. I then grabbed my toothbrush and deodorant, and I left.

But I didn’t cry.

 

“Louis?” A very confused Harry stood in front of me. I didn’t call him. I just needed to get out of there.

“Can I come in?” I asked. He nodded and opened the door, ushering me in. I tried to hide the limp as best I could, but he noticed.

“Hey, you’re limping. What happened?” He asked.

“Nothing, Harry. I’m okay. Just slept funny.” I lied.

“You’re a terrible liar, Louis.” He sighed. “Please tell me.”

I don’t know why I did it. But I found myself spilling out everything. How this boy I grew up with, and eventually fell for two years ago, was the sweetest, kindest person I’d ever met. He was a gentleman. He cared about me. He surprised me with flowers and baked cookies on our six month anniversary when he told me he loved me for the first time. But, when he met another man at a gay bar one day, he changed. He was introduced to the BDSM relationship. And I lost the boy I fell in love with.

He turned dark. He closed himself off. I was his boyfriend, and he told me he loved me, so I stayed. We could learn about this stuff together. I told Harry how I was trepidatious about it, but stayed because I didn’t have anyone else. I had moved in with him. He told me he was all I needed, so I cut ties with my family. The only people I had were Niall, Liam, and Zayn. And now Harry. Liam and Niall knew something wasn’t right. They had a feeling about Derek for a while. But I told them they were wrong.

I told him about getting punished for coming to see him with the guys and for sleeping here. When he asked how I got punished, I froze. _He doesn’t want to know about that._ But he pleaded for me to tell him. So, I did.

“Well, my punishment for going out without permission was getting whipped. Then we had sex. Um, for sleeping here. Um, he whipped me again. The he tied me up and told me I wanted sex. He had to show me who I belonged to.” I whispered.

“He raped you?” Harry breathed.

“No, Harry,” I scoffed and had to resist the urge to roll my eyes. “He’s my boyfriend. It’s not rape.”

“Does he hit you?” He asked. “Oh my god, Louis! That’s why you had all those bruises! He hit you?! Your boyfriend was _beating_ you, and you _stayed with him_?!” He exclaimed.

“Harry, it’s not like that! He’s into BDSM!” I tried to reason with him.

“Louis, come here. I’m gonna show you something.” He said softly. I nodded obediently and he led me back to his room. I had only been in here once, and that was only to the threshold when Harry loaned me some comfier pants to sleep in. I knew what he wanted.

“Do you want to fuck me, too?” I asked softly, staring at the floor.

“Fuck, Louis. No!” He exclaimed. I couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit hurt. “Shit. That’s not what I meant.” I felt soft hands raising my chin, but I still can’t look in his eyes. He might hit me for that. I have to wait for permission.

“Look at me, babe.” I raised my eyes to his, and he smiled at me. I gave him a half grimace, and he frowned. “You are the most gorgeous person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I’d be lying if I told you I hadn’t thought about you _like that_ but you’ve been through hell, Lou. I just want to help you come to terms with it.” I nodded. He grabbed a laptop from near his bed and took my hand, leading me back out to the couch.

We both sat down next to each other, and he opened a search engine. He thought for a second before he typed into the bar ‘what’s the difference between abuse and BDSM?’ and hit search. Lots of articles came up. He clicked on a link, scanned the article, and then turned back to me.

“Have you ever told Derek no and he went through with it anyway?” He asked.

“Yeah. Lots of times. Normally he says I need to push myself. Like tonight. He said I wanted it.”

“Did you?”

“Well, I was hard. He said I was hard, so I had to have wanted it.” I said.

“What did you think? Did you want to have sex with him?”

“Derek said-”

“No, Lou.” He interrupted calmly. “I don’t want to know what Derek said. What did Louis say?”

“I told him no. But, he told me I wanted it, and that I was hard, so my body must want it.” I said softly.

“Your body can betray you, Louis.” He said. He opened another tab and typed in something else. ‘Is it rape if you’re in a relationship?’ He turned the laptop towards me and told me to read. I looked up at him warily, and he kissed my forehead.

“I’m going to make us some tea. You have some reading to do.” He stood up and went to putter in the kitchen.

I read through the abuse and BDSM article first. The main difference this woman mentioned was consent. She gave all these warning about running if your partner starts to ignore safe words and isolate you from friends and family. This kind of sounds like Derek. But, he loves me?

I move onto the rape article, and read over it. The conclusion is: no matter who you’re with, whether it is a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, anyone, it’s considered rape if you say no and they ignore you.

Harry sat down next to me as I processed all this information. Derek was abusing me. And I let him. He _raped_ me.

 

And now, I cried.

 

***

 

Seeing Louis break down like that almost made me regret showing him those articles. But he was so trapped in the world Derek made up; he didn’t know what was right or wrong. Louis cried for nearly twenty minutes. I ended up pulling him into my chest, and he sobbed into my sweatshirt. It seemed like he needed a good cry, but it was so sad to watch.

“Lou, stop crying. It’s okay,” I said calmly. His hiccupping immediately stopped, and he retracted himself from my chest, wiping at his cheeks furiously.

“Sorry,” He muttered. “Sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“For crying.”

“There’s nothing wrong with crying, Lou. Don’t ever apologise for that.”

“Derek doesn’t let me cry. No matter what he does to me.” He shrugged, sniffing quietly. “He said it makes my face puff up. Says I look gross.” His voice went soft, and my heart broke for him.

“Babe, you look as beautiful as always.” I pulled him back to me, missing his warmth, and he came willingly. He curled himself up against me, and we sat there together. Talking wasn’t necessary.

“Did you really mean that?” He whispers a while later.

“Mean what?”

“That I’m beautiful.”

“Louis Tomlinson, you are the most gorgeous human being I have _ever_ laid my eyes on. And I look in a mirror every day.” I tried to get him to laugh. I only managed to extract a small, shy smile, but I counted it as a win. “Not only are you beautiful, but you’re sweet and caring, funny, and sarcastic. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, looking up at me. His eyes were wide, and at that moment he reminded me of an overly curious child.

“It means, Lou,” I breathed quietly, working up the nerve to say it. “That I think I might be falling in love with you.” His eyes widen even more, which I didn’t know was possible, and he started shaking his head furiously.

“Harry, no,” He said in a firm voice.

“What?”

“You can’t love me.”

“I’m falling in love with you, Louis Tomlinson.” I said earnestly, looking into his eyes.

“Harry, stop. You can’t love me!”

“Why not?”

“Because I have a boyfriend.” He said softly.

“Louis, your ‘boyfriend’ has been abusing you. He just raped you, and you want to go _back_ to him?” I asked.

“I-I love him.” And I could actually, literally, hear my heart shatter.

“Okay. Then go back to him.” I said in a monotone voice.

“Harry, I-”

“Nope. I told you how I feel, and you just-” I trail off, waving a floppy hand in between us, trying to motion to the said, and even the unsaid, words that hover around us in the tense atmosphere. “Please leave.” I whispered with my eyes shut tight. I had my hands balled into fists at my sides, trying not to cry.

Louis didn’t say another word. He just stared at me. This tragically beautiful person that I just so happen to love stared at me. Stared _through_ me. And then I walked away.

 

***

 

Harry wasn’t at the bakery the next evening when I raced in, heart pounding out of my chest, for ice.

“Oh, dear!” A woman’s voice exclaimed. “What on earth happened to you?” She fussed over me, trying to nurse the nicks, the cuts, and the bruises. I wouldn’t let her touch me. I kept flinching away. I liked Harry more. He didn’t ask me uncomfortable questions. I could literally _feel_ my skin crawling from Derek’s touch. I didn’t have time to take a bath after he got through with me. He immediately went into the bathroom, wanting to be left alone, and I bolted.

He hit me. A lot. He only did it cause I stayed with Harry. He beat it out of me. He knows about Harry. I told him how I met him and what his name was. Except, I lied. I lied right to Derek’s face, and I got away with it. And the guilt is eating me alive. I told him I went to see this boy named Henry that I met at the bookstore. Then, he fucked me again. Harder this time. It was almost like he was claiming me. I had bled. I wouldn’t be surprised if I stood up and there was a puddle of blood on this seat right now, but I know I’m being over dramatic. It wasn’t that serious.

When the woman had fussed to her heart’s content, she left me at my table. It was _my_ table. I had even gone so far as carving my name into the wood with a knife Harry gave me one day to cut a muffin. He had risen an eyebrow at me as if saying _’Really, Lou?_ ’but then he shrugged and carved a heart around it.

I found myself smiling down at the heart on the table. Harry loves me. My index finger ran over the grove at least a hundred times before I realised that, without Harry here, I felt as if I didn’t belong. And as I walked out onto the streets, bumping blindly into people hurrying past, I realised I didn’t belong there either.

I belonged with Harry.

So, I went to make this right.

 

***

 

“Derek?” I called. I heard the creak of our single squeaky floorboard, and Derek walked out of the bedroom.

“What do you want?” He asked. His face was twisted into a glare.

“Derek, I don’t want to be with you anymore.” I had a surge of confidence on the way up the stairs. I was going to break up with him. And then I was going to go make things right with Harry. I had my phone clutched in my hands to call Harry on my way out the door.

“Excuse me?” He growled, stalking towards me. I shied away from him, cowering. But I channeled the confidence, and stood up to my full height. I still barely came up to his chin. But, I stood my ground and stared into his eyes.

“Derek, I want to break up.” I said strongly. My voice wavered a tiny bit, and I hoped he didn’t hear it.

“No you don’t, baby. Is that what Henry is telling you?” He asked. He cupped my cheeks with his hands. “Don’t let him get inside your head. You need to be with me. I’m the only one who can tolerate you.”

“Tolerate me?” I echoed.

“Yes. I put up with your stupid comments, smelly feet, gross morning breath, and fat body. No one else would put up with that. No one would tolerate you.” I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes. “Oh, and _no one_ likes a crybaby.” He said. I blinked, letting a single tear escape, and shook my head.

“I don’t care. I still don’t want to be with you.” I choked.

“And where will you go?” He asked. “Last time I checked, your only friends are gay for each other. They wouldn’t take you in, even if you did offer them sex. It’s not like you’re any good.” The second tear fell, paving a wet trail down my cheek.

“Derek, s-stop. I don’t love you anymore. I’m leaving. I will come back for my stuff some other time.” _Hopefully when you’re not here._ I had left my bag at Harry’s, so I had all my necessities.

“Like hell you are.” He said. I barely had time to register the words before a fist connected with my cheek. I cried out, mostly from shock. I was used to the pain. All I had to do was think about something else.

As Derek’s foot met my ribs, _When did I get on the ground?_ I found my thoughts drifting to Harry. Since I met him, I had thought a lot about Harry in moments like this. He was always so sweet to me. And no matter how bad the bruises looked, no matter how many there were, he never asked.

I was crying. My vision was blurring. My vision was steadily getting spotted with black, and I was terrified.

“Derek,” I croaked. “Stop it!”

“No. You are _mine_ , bitch. I can do whatever the hell I want!” He knelt down behind me and, before I knew it, he had my sweatpants around my ankles. A second later, he was inside of me. I screamed. I got no prep. He was dry. And I was getting raped again.

But I let it happen. I did nothing to stop it. I was too weak. Harry was the only thing I could think of; I couldn’t stop thinking about his face when I told him I had a boyfriend. It was a mixture of anger, sadness, and horror. I imagined the anger was from my rejection. That was probably the cause of the sadness as well. The horror, however, probably stemmed from me willingly going back to him. And look where that got me. I got beat yesterday, and today, too.

After Derek was done, he spit on me. I flinched. He kicked me once more in my stomach, and left me lying on the floor. The door slammed behind him, and I let out all my tears.

 

When I calmed, I started coughing. Loud, heaving coughs. I retched, but swallowed it back down. Derek would probably shove my face in it if I got sick on the floor. My shaky hand bumped against something as it scrabbled for something to help me get leverage to stand. My phone. I called Harry.

“Lou, I’m not in the mood to talk to you right now.” I could hear him sigh over the phone.

“Help me.” I croaked. My voice sounded terrible. I coughed feebly.

“Louis, shit, where are you?!” He exclaimed. I heard the jingle of keys and some more colourful words as he dropped them. I heard the lock slide shut before I remembered he asked me something.

“My flat. Derek’s gone. Please.”

“I’m on my way. Give me five minutes. I-” He paused, then repeated that he’d be five minutes. I started coughing again. It was probably from all the talking. I coughed loud, horrible coughs. This time when I retched, I threw up blood.

Four minutes later, Harry kicked in the door.

 

“It was locked.” He called. Then, he saw me. I hadn’t moved except to haphazardly pull up my sweatpants. They were bunched up uncomfortably, but I could hardly move without crying.

“Harry.” I couldn’t keep the relief out of my voice.

“Louis, what happened?”

“Punched me. Kicked me. Fucked me again. Hurt all over.” I forced out.

“I need to call an ambulance.” He said.

“Harry, no,” I pleaded. “Derek said that if I ever go to a hospital, he has to come with me.”

“Louis, I don’t fucking care about Derek. I’m calling the ambulance, end of story. I can’t help you. Fuck, I don’t even think I could move you. You need professional help. I’ll be in the other room on the phone.” I tried to argue with him again, but he silenced me as he dialed. Because of all the talking, I had to cough. And as soon as I started coughing, Harry appeared.

“He’s coughing really badly right now.” Harry said. I could detect the worry in his voice. It made me feel bad.

“Don’t,” I had to pause as a coughing fit took over my body “Watch this.” As soon as that was out, I started coughing up more blood.

“He just threw up blood. Oh my god, what do I do?!” A voice must have answered him, but he didn’t do anything. He just kept nodding. A few minutes later, I heard sirens, and Harry ran to open the door. Three guys ran in and started fussing with me. One put a collar around my neck so I couldn’t move my head and got me onto a backboard. I started to panic. They carefully placed me onto a gurney I hadn’t seen. My breathing was getting faster, and my eyes darted around, looking.

“Harry,” I screamed as loudly as I could. “Harry, help me!”

“Hey, hey,” He said softly, appearing in my peripheral vision. “Calm down, babe. You’re safe. These guys are gonna help you. And I’m right here.” I felt a hand in mine, and he smiled down at me.

“Are you his boyfriend?” A paramedic asked. I opened my mouth to deny it, but Harry beat me to it.

“No. He’s not my boyfriend.” The man nodded, and they started to wheel me out. Harry’s hand slipped out of mine, and I started panicking again.

“Harry!” I sobbed. I heard footsteps, and a hand was in mine again. I met Harry’s worried gaze, and I was calm. My vision was getting a little fuzzy again, though. “Goodnight, Harry.” I whispered.

 

***

 

I paced the floors for hours. Louis was taken in for surgery. They think he might have fractured or broken a rib that cut something inside him, which caused him to bleed internally, causing him to cough up blood. He had been in there for hours. They were probably stitching him up now, but I couldn’t help but worry. He didn’t have any family that I knew about, so I couldn’t call them. It was butt o’clock in the morning, which meant Liam and Niall wouldn’t be awake. So, that just left me.

“Family of Louis Tomlinson?” I paused and whipped my head around.

“Me. It’s just me.” I said, hurrying over to the young nurse. She had her hair pulled back into a sleek ponytail. She was averagely beautiful, but I had Louis. Well, I hope I still had Louis.

“Mr. Tomlinson should make a full recovery. He had a couple of fractured ribs which tore into his chest cavity. He had severe internal bleeding, which explained why he was coughing up so much blood. He will definitely need to take it easy. We pinned the rib back into place and stitched up the cut, so he should be feeling better in about a week or two. However, he should lay off any overly strenuous activity for at least three weeks. We’ll have him back for a follow up, and let you know how he’s doing. You can go see him now. He’s still asleep, but the anesthesia should be wearing off soon. Room 1763.” She smiled at me, and I ran to the elevators.

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to see, but anything better than what I saw earlier would be an improvement. Louis, like the nurse informed me, was still asleep, but I drunk in his appearance.

He had several bruises that had darkened in the hours I’d been away from him. The blanket that was draped over his body had slipped down, and I could see the compression wrap that was around his torso. I could see his collar bones protruding. He was thin. I just noticed that. Normally, he’d be in baggy jeans or pants with a loose shirt or sweatshirt. I’d never seen him without a shirt, so it was a little unnerving to see him this thin.

“God, Lou,” I whispered to the unresponsive body on the bed. I took his hand, thumbing over the soft skin. “You scared the hell out of me with that phone call. Your voice. It was so scary, babe. Then when I got there, you looked terrible. I was _so_ worried about you.” My throat was starting to ache from holding back tears.

“Thanks for telling me I looked awful.” A croaky voice teased. I looked up to Louis’ face and grinned.

“You’re awake.” I said dumbly.

“You’re lucky I’m smart, Curly. At least one person in this relationship needs to be.” He smirked.

“Relationship?” I furrowed my eyebrows, confused. He sighed.

“I was a dick to you. Now, I can’t honestly tell you I love you. But you’re sweet and cute and funny, and I want to be with you.” He smiled softly and took my hand.

“Can I kiss you?” I practically begged him.

“Yes, but easy. Please.” I didn’t wait another second before I was kneeling on the bed over him. I grabbed his cheeks, careful of his bruise, and kissed him senseless.

“Jesus,” Louis breathed. “You sure know how to make a first impression.” I chuckled and pecked him softly.

“I love you,” I murmured against his temple, pressing a kiss there. Louis frowned, and I kissed his nose. “I don’t expect you to say it back, Lou. Don’t worry, babe, I’ll wait until you’re ready to say it.”

“Will you stay with me?” He asked softly. “I-It’s fine if you don’t want to, I’ll be fine.”

“No, babe. That couch is going to be my best friend until I can take you home.” He smiled back at me.

“Home?”

“Yes, Lou. You’re coming to live with me. I’m not letting that asshole hurt you again.”

“Thank you, Harry.”

 

***

 

For the next two weeks, I lived up to my word. I stay at the hospital with Louis every night. After his two weeks were up, he came home with me. However, it wasn’t smooth sailing. Louis had been abused for years; it’ll take a while for him to get over this.

 

I got a taste of what I was in for a couple days after he came home with me. It was the first time he refused to eat. Now, he had fought about eating, but I had always managed to get him to eat a small snack or some fruit or something, but this was a flat out refusal.

It started and ended with Louis in tears.

“Harry,” He sobbed brokenly. “I don’t want to eat it.” My heart ached for him, but I knew if I gave up this time, he’d think I’d let meals slip all the time.

“Please eat something, baby. You’re losing weight. I can tell, and it’s not healthy.”

“Harry, please. I’m not hungry.”

“Louis, do not lie to me. I know you are hungry, and you need to eat.”

“But if I eat, I’ll get fat, and then you won’t love me anymore.” His cried, pulling at his hair. I scrambled to loosen his grip, rubbing his hands until they released. I kissed them.

“You have been beautiful to me since the day you walked into the coffee shop. And you will continue to be beautiful until the day you die. I love you, Louis Tomlinson, and nothing you do, or say, or even how you look will change that.” I pressed my hand against his cheek, cupping him delicately.

“Harry,” He whispered.

“Eat a banana. I’ll make you a salad. But please, Lou, eat something.” I pleaded.

After nearly an hour fighting, he ate a single banana as he cried. That was all that passed his lips today other than water and a fruit smoothie. However, I cuddled him close that night and told him how proud I was of him.

“I love you, Lou. Your weight will not change how I feel about you.” I whispered into his ear. I kissed him repeatedly, confessing my love randomly. It eventually coaxed a smile out of him, which I let him hold for a couple second before I kissed it off. When I pulled back, I was extremely worried to find tears on his face.

“Shit, Louis, did I hurt you? Did I go too far? You should have told me!”

“It’s okay,” He gasped quietly. “I’m just not used to this.”

“Used to what?”

“Actually being loved. Being cared for. It’s new.”

“Oh, Lou,” I cooed. “I’ve loved you for a while.”

“I know. And I think I might love you too, but I want to make sure before I tell you for real.”

“Take your time. I’m in no hurry. We’ve got the rest of our lives.” I kissed him softly, pulling him on top of me. I didn’t want to pressure him into sex, but he was _so_ achingly beautiful, it was hard to keep my hands to myself. I felt his hands creep into my shirt, and I raised my arms to let him slip it over my head, leaning up to help. His hands instantly connected with my chest, feeling over my skin. He traced my tattoos, making shivers travel over my body.

“Babe, can I take your shirt off, too?” I asked. “Feel free to say no. I’ll understand. You just look so beautiful.” Louis blushed, but thought about it for a moment, and nodded. I fiddled with the hem of his shirt in warning, and he stretched his body out deliciously as he raised his arms. I pulled the shirt over his head, and his arms folded across his belly, hiding.

“No need to hide yourself, baby. I already know you’re beautiful.”

“No, ‘m fat.”

“You are not. But if it makes you more comfortable, I won’t look. Just come kiss me.” He giggled and leaned down.

“That, I can do.”

“Let me know when and if you want to stop. I don’t want to push you too far.” He nodded, and I buried a hand at the back of his neck, pulling his lips to mine. He hummed into my mouth, and my eyes fluttered shut, getting lost in the feeling of his soft, thin lips on mine.

The brush of his lips against mine left me with a slight problem, but when he pulled back, breathless, when my hand started toying with his pants and told me to stop, I retracted my hands. I pulled away.

“Want me to stop everything, or just not touch you past the waist band?” I asked, slightly out of breath. Louis looked gorgeous. He had sex hair and bruised lips, and I wanted to ravish him. But that will come in time.

“Keep kissing. No touching past my hips.” He said. He winked at me, and my eyes widened. He was teasing me.

“You sly boy. You’re a proper tease, aren’t you?” I laughed.

“Are you frustrated?” He asked, sitting back hesitantly from where he’d been up on his knees over me. The pressure on my crotch felt great.

“I know you’re not ready for sex, babe. You’re so gorgeous when you’re confident, but please don’t work me up. I’ll probably have to give myself a hand in the shower later anyway.” I chuckled.

“Well, um,” He started. I waited for him to continue, surprised at his next words. “I can give you a hand. If that’s okay?”

“Are you sure?” I asked, careful to school my expression. If he knew how badly I wanted his hand wrapped around my cock, I knew he’d give in under assumed duty.

“I, yeah. I think I want to.” He said.

“Only if you’re comfortable with it. At any time, if you get uncomfortable, let me know and I can finish in the bathroom. No hard feelings and no worries.” He nodded, and I pulled him back down to my lips by his shoulders. He immediately surrendered control to me, and I licked into his mouth. A second after I groaned into his mouth, I shifted my hips. I could feel him hard against my hip, and it only turned me on more. I pushed my hips up so Louis could peel my pants off. He stared, and as much confidence as I had in myself, I felt scrutinised under his gaze.

“C’mon,” I begged, threading my hand in his hair. He melted into the touch, and reached out a shaky hand to grip my aching cock.

“Yeah,” I breathed. “Want me to show you?” He nodded, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. I knew he wanted to be good, and if he kept biting his lip, I was sure to finish quickly.

I clamped my hand over his, running it up and down my shaft slowly, fist loose.

“Start loose and slow, then get faster and tighter. Builds it up more and it’s more intense.” I panted. I was already overwhelmed with the feeling of his hand on me. I cautiously let go, fisting the sheets tightly in either hand as Louis kept up the pace. I felt the familiar coiling in my lower stomach, and I arched into Louis’ hand.

“Faster, babe,” I pleaded. He complied, speeding up his hand and tightening his grip. I made a choked noise, which caused Louis to falter a bit in his rhythm. “Okay, just close.” His grip returned immediately, and I struggled to keep quiet so Louis wouldn’t stop.

“Doing so well,” I praised him. He smiled up at me, then leaned over, his hand keeping rhythm, and kissed me softly. There was nothing innocent to what we were doing, but in that moment, I got a picture of how innocent Louis really is.

I moaned, thrusting up into Louis’ hand as I neared my orgasm.

“So close, Lou,” I panted. “Don’t stop.” He nodded, furrowed brows telling me just how concentrated he really is. I drunk in his face, and when his teeth made another appearance to gnaw at his lip, I gasped and came into Louis’ fist. I managed to open my eyes in time to see Louis’ shocked reaction. He was so adorable. He seemed honestly shocked that I had come.

“So good, babe,” I mumbled. “Thank you.” He grinned at me.

“Can we cuddle?” He asked softly.

“Of course, silly boy, get over here.” I’m pretty sure I had a ridiculously stupid look on my face, and to top that off with a sexed up look, I’m sure I looked ridiculous. However, Louis curled into my side, snuggling his face into my chest. I felt a small twitch, and looked up at Louis.

“Sorry,” He whispered.

“Why are you sorry, Lou?” I frowned.

“’Cause I’m...you know.”

“You’re sorry ‘cause you’re hard?” I raised an eyebrow. He nodded, blushing. “No need to be sorry. Do you want some help?” His eyes widened, and I wondered if Derek had ever helped him out before.

“No, no, no,” He muttered quickly. “I’ll just go to the bathroom.”

“Lou, I don’t mind helping you. I’d love to return the favour.”

“It’s okay. Maybe next time, yeah?” Then, without another word, he slipped out of bed, his boxers obscenely tented, and shuffled into the bathroom.

I almost followed him when I heard his boxers hit the ground. I heard the unmistakable skin-on-skin noise that was heard when you didn’t use lube, and I felt my dick twitch in interest. I willed myself to think about anything but Louis with a hand around himself. It must have worked, ‘cause when Louis came out, flushed with uneven breathing, I was a little startled.

“C’mere,” I mumbled, opening my arms. “I was promised a cuddle.” He grinned and scampered over to the bed, curling next to me again. His head was resting on my chest comfortably, and I pulled him closer.

“This okay?” I checked.

“’s perfect, Haz,” He murmured against my skin.

“Good, now get some rest,” I told him. “I love you.” He paused for a moment, probably trying to figure out what to say.

“Goodnight, H. Sleep well.”

“You too.” And before long, I heard Louis’ breathing deepen, little snores spilling out occasionally.

 

***

 

The first nightmare I witnessed was about three weeks into this arrangement. We’d never discussed it; Louis had always wound up in my bed with me. I think it made both of us feel better, but it couldn’t last forever.

I was woken up by the stifling heat.

The sheets were damp, alarmingly so, and my groggy mind tried to figure out what was going on. I heard a whimper and shuffling. I didn’t know what to expect when I turned on my lamp, but _nothing_ sure wasn’t it. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see Derek trying to take Louis back, but there was nothing there. I unconsciously checked on Louis, glancing at him to reassure myself, before I turned the light off, and the sight was…heartbreakingly sad.

Louis was twisted up in the sheets, squirming. He was mumbling incoherently, and his hands were fisted so tightly I could see that they were white. A broken sob escaped his lips as he rolled over, facing me, and I saw the tear stains on his face.

“Lou,” I mumbled. I shook his shoulder softly and he yelped, making me jump. “Lou, baby, please wake up.” From his reaction, I was unsure about touching him, but he was a deep sleeper anyway, so I didn’t think it would wake him up. I nudged him a second time, bracing myself for the short yelp, but it didn’t come. Instead, I got a more vocal reaction.

“Don’t touch me!” He shrieked. His voice was higher pitched than typical men, but this…this was almost demonic. It was shrill and scratchy, almost as if it had been torn or ripped from his screaming throat, but it was his voice.

“Louis! I need you to wake up, you’re scaring me!” I called, trying a louder sound, hoping to wake him up. I touched his hand, but they darted out of reach, and tangled in his hair that was matted with sweat. He tugged, hard, and I threw caution to the wind. I didn’t mind so much if he hurt me, but I didn’t want him to take it out on himself unconsciously. I grabbed his wrists as tightly as I dared and pinned them to his sides. He fought against my hold, screaming and thrashing. I had a fleeting thought of _I wonder if the neighbours have called the cops._ but it was gone as soon as it came.

Subconsciously, he must have known he was beaten, because he became still, his chest heaving. However, what he said chilled me to the bone. I was covered head to toe in chill bumps.

“Derek, please don’t,” He whimpered. His eyebrows were furrowed and his lips were turned down. It was horrible to watch.

“Louis, please, wake up.” I let go of his hands, thinking he’d stay still. But, as soon as my grip was gone, the roles were reversed. He wrestled me onto my back so he was on top of me. His hand were pinning my arms above my head with an inhumane strength I didn’t know his little body possessed. His hands were wrapped like vines around my wrists, and he had such a tight grip on them. It hurt.

“Louis, stop.” I pleaded. He wasn’t aware he was doing this. This isn’t my Louis. This is a scared, Louis. A scared Louis trying to protect himself. “Stop, Louis, you’re hurting me!” I cried out. Still, his grip remained. A tear landed on my cheek, and I looked up at Louis’ face to see the terrified look. His grip tightened when I moved.

“Lou, please! It’s Harry; I’m not going to hurt you!” Almost instantly, the grip loosened. I could feel the tingles starting. He’d gripped me so hard he cut off the circulation in my hands. His eyes flickered open and he took in our position. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He sat there, still straddling me, moving his mouth with nothing coming out. Then, he started sobbing.

“I’m so sorry, Harry. I’m sorry I did that.” He sobbed quietly. I wrapped my arms hesitantly around the shaking boy on top of me and pulled him down to me. He cried into my chest and I soothed a hand up his spine.

“Shhh, Lou. It’s okay. Just calm down. Do you want a bath?” I asked. I knew I was wide eyed. I needed to calm down too. I felt his head nod against my chest, and I sat up. I carried him into the bathroom, setting him on the counter as I started the water. I poured in his favourite bubble bath and stepped up close to him, taking his hands in mine. My wrists were bright red from his grip, and I saw him looking at them.

“I’m okay, Louis. I promise. Let’s get you in the bath, yeah?” He nodded mutely, and I let him undress himself. I turned on the shower and he frowned at me. “I’m gonna take a shower while you bathe. We could both use a little relaxing right now I think.”

“Do you maybe, you know, want to join me?” He said quietly.

“Join you for a bath?” I asked. I had to make sure before I assumed. He nodded. “Use your words, please.”

“Yes. Do you want to join me in the bath?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Then, I’d love to.” I turned the shower off while Louis stripped himself out of the remainder of his clothes. He was already under the bubbles by the time I turned around. I’d never seen Louis without clothes on, but I knew he was beautiful. I pulled off my clothes, stepping into the opposite end of the tub. I leaned back quietly, closing my eyes. The aromatic scents around me calmed me as my wrists burned with the heat of the water.

I ducked my head under for a moment. When I surfaced, I grabbed my shampoo and scrubbed some through my hair. I beckoned Louis towards me and soaped up his hair too. I massaged his scalp a bit, hoping to relax him. He sagged against my chest, and I paused. When he didn’t move, I carefully wrapped my arms around him. I sighed, leaning against the side of the tub. We rested for a bit, but I had to move when soap started dripping into my eyes.

After, I conditioned and rinsed both our hair, and we relaxed once more. He was between my legs with his back against my chest. I had my arms around him, keeping him close. He curled up in my lap, and when he shut his eyes, I knew it was time to get out.

“No, no, Lou,” I murmured, sleepily. “Don’t sleep yet. Gotta get out, dried off, and dressed first.”

“Um…”

“I’ll get out first. I’ll grab you some clothes and I’ll let you get dressed in here. That sound good?” He nodded, giving me a grateful smile. So, I climbed out of the warm water, immediately wrapping a towel around my waist. I knew he was watching me, but I didn’t mind. I grabbed Louis a pair of boxers, some sweats, and one of my shirts. When I placed them on the counter, he was yawning adorably.

“Alright, hurry so I can cuddle you before I fall asleep.” He nodded and the second I closed the door, I heard the drain being pulled.

By the time I was dressed, so was Louis. I was running a towel through my hair when he walked into the room shyly. I had skipped a shirt, opted for only a pair of boxers and gym shorts.

I laid back on the bed, letting Louis come to me. He curled himself up to my chest, puffing a warm breath onto my chest as he got settled. His hand rested itself on top of my chest.

“Night, Lou.” I murmured into his hair. “I love you.”

“Thanks, Harry. Goodnight.” His voice was slurring and, before I could reply, he was asleep.

 

When I woke up, it was to the sound of sniffles. I instantly thought about last night. I hoped it wasn’t the same thing.

“Lou?” I asked, with my voice croaky from underuse. I cleared my throat.

“Haz, I’m sorry,” He whimpered.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m okay. You’re okay. That’s all I care about.” I felt Louis take my hand, and he moved it into my line of sight. There were bruises circling my wrist, and I gasped. He looked down at the bedspread.

“No, no, Lou. I’m okay. They don’t even hurt.” I twisted them to prove it and pain shot up my arm. It must have shown on my face, because his face crumpled.

“I’m so sorry.” He sobbed.

“C’mere,” I told him. I held out my arms carefully and he collapsed into my chest. _We end up in this position a lot._ But, it’s okay. If it makes Louis feel better, I don’t mind.

When Louis was calm, I pulled on a long sleeved shirt to hide the bruises and walked out to the kitchen. I grabbed two bags and filled them with ice and took them and two rags back up to the room. Louis helped me situate them so they could ice for a bit, and he picked something on the tv.

We laid in bed most of the day, and by the time we were yawning, we had changed the ice a few times and they hurt less.

“I’ll be good as new in a couple days. I’m not mad, babe. Promise.” He had been attentive to my every need, but very quiet. I figured he felt he owed me, but all I needed was him.

We got ready for bed, too tired for a bath or shower, so we curled up under the duvet together and fell asleep after exchanging ‘goodnight’s.

 

***

 

My heart was breaking. This innocent, beautiful boy expected me to hit him. And he couldn’t get it past his thick skull that I would _never_ do that.

 

_“Lou, where are you?” I called. I had just gotten back from work._

_“Kitchen, babe.” I grinned. My heart would always skip when he called me silly pet names. I saw Louis holding a plate by the sink, fiddling with something else. I snuck up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. He screeched and dropped the plate, his face shattering as the plate hit the ground._

_“Harry,” He breathed._

_“Don’t move.” I ordered. He was barefoot, and if he tried to take a step, he would cut the bottom of his feet. He was frozen, eyes wide, and tears were welling in the corners. “You okay?” I asked, reaching a hand out to cup his cheek. When he flinched away from me, I frowned._

_“I’m gonna pick you up, and I’ll carry you away from the mess, okay? Don’t freak out.” I, still in my shoes from work, stepped over the broken shards and went to wrap my arms around Louis to lift him over the sharp pieces. He screamed and cowered away, sobbing now._

_“Don’t hurt me, I promise I didn’t mean to! I’ll clean it up just don’t hit me!” He wailed. I could feel the blood drain from my face, and it hit me what was going on. He thought I was going to hit him for dropping the plate._

_“Lou, baby, look at me.” He shook his head and sunk to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself. I darted to get the broom and swept up the mess from around him before he could get hurt. When that was done, I knelt down next to him._

_“Hey, love,” I said softly, scooting up next to him. We weren’t quite touching. He whimpered, shying away from me. “I’ll never hurt you, Lou. It was my fault you dropped the plate, you know? I snuck up and startled you.”_

_“Not your fault. It was mine.” He mumbled, standing to his feet. I scrambled to follow him, taking his wrist carefully when he turned towards the bedroom._

_“Where are you going?” I asked, frowning._

_“To get the belt.” His words struck me, and I staggered back. He would get hit for dropping something?_

_“No, no, no, Lou!” I exclaimed. “I’m not going to hit you, please understand that.”_

_“Why not? I broke a plate.” His eyebrows were furrowed, and he was so beautifully broken._

_“Yes, Lou. A plate. Breaking a plate isn’t the end of the world, and it sure as hell isn’t going to make me hit you.” I took his hand, and he let me without withdrawing. I smiled. “I love you. I’ll never lay a hand on you.” He blinked a few times, as if processing my words._

_“So, no belt?” He asked._

_“No belt, baby. No hitting you, no punishments, nothing. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. It was just a plate, and there are plenty more of them.” I was thoroughly shocked when he flung himself at me, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I buried my nose in his hair and let him tuck his face into my neck. “I love you, Lou.” I murmured softly. He sighed happily._

_“Cuddles?” He asked, cocking his head. I kissed his nose and he scrunched up his face in surprise._

_“Of course, you. You’re so cute.” His cheeks turned a slight pink, and he shook his head. “Yes you are. Don’t argue, cause I know I’m right.”_

 

“Thanks, Harry,” He said as he curled against me on the couch. We had put in a movie that neither of us would watch. All I wanted to watch was this boy right next to me. He grinned up at me; the dazzling grin I only saw occasionally. The grin where the corners of his eyes crinkled and he showed his teeth.

“No need to thank me, love. I’d never hurt you.” I kissed him on the mouth softly, letting him respond before I took it further. I love this boy so much.

 

***

 

However, the second time it happened, it didn’t end the same way. The boys, Louis, and I had all decided to go out to a small bar. We just wanted to take a little breather from life, and so we all piled into a booth while Zayn ordered us some drinks.

A few rounds later, we were all a little giggly. Louis was a loud drunk. He was also very handsy, but that wasn’t new. Liam and Niall had their heads together, and I couldn’t tell if they were making out or talking. Me, though, I became a really jealous drunk. If anyone outside of our group so much as _looked_ at Louis, I’d glare at them until they’d turn away. And that is why, when it was Louis’ turn to go up and get the rounds for us, I immediately saw the man sidle up next to him.

It was innocent enough. The bar was pretty crowded and the seats around Louis were empty. They made light conversation as Louis waited for the bartender, but when I saw him start to fidget, I was alert. The second the man’s hand came down to rest on Louis’ forearm, I was next to him with a possessive arm around his waist.

“Hey, Lou,” I greeted, flashing an ugly look at the guy. He was bigger than me, but it looked like it was all fat. He had on an ugly maroon shirt that looked painted on. He didn’t have the muscles to pull it off, so he looked like a douche. “What’s taking so long?”

“Pretty Boy was just offering to come home with me.” Ugly Shirt commented.

“No, Harry, I-” Ugly Shirt placed a meaty hand on his shoulder, and Louis went silent instantly.

“Oh, I see we have a sub, here. Perfect. I know exactly what to do to you.” Ugly Shirt’s eyes were almost all black, and the look he was giving Louis made my blood boil.

“And exactly what did you have in mind to do with my boyfriend?” I was easily taller than him, so I towered up to my full height. I looked at him, leveling him with a glare. He shrunk back at the challenge, but I didn’t back down until he put his hands up and walked away.

“Harry, I didn’t want to go home with him!” Louis cried, gripping my hand. As jealous as I felt, I knew I couldn’t take it out on Louis. It’d make me just as bad as Derek.

“C’mon, babe. I wanna go home.” Louis’ face fell and his lower lip started to tremble, but he nodded silently and followed me to bid our friends farewell.

 

As soon as we got back to the flat, Louis was up in the bedroom. He was standing in the center of the room with his arms behind his back, his feet pressed together, and he was staring at the floor. It was unsettling.

“Lou, what are you doing?”

“Hit me,” He said.

“What?”

“Hit me, Harry.”

“Fuck, no, Louis. I’m not going to hit you.” I was appalled.

“But I let another man touch me. He flirted with me. I need to be punished so it won’t happen again.” He was frowning now, probably confused as to why I wasn’t angry.

“Louis, I don’t blame you for that. It was his decision to touch you. You aren’t getting punished for something that asshole did. I’m not going to hit you.” I expected him to be relieved like the other times I’ve shown him I was better than Derek. However, when he burst into tears, I was extremely concerned.

“Lou, baby, what’s wrong?” I asked, hugging him close to me.

“I _want_ you to hit me. I need it.” He sobbed brokenly. I frowned. “Please.”

“Why? I don’t want to hit you.”

“This has been my life for as long as I know. I don’t know what to do now that it’s gone. I feel bad for doing something like this without being punished.”

“Louis, you didn’t do anything. All you did was try and order drinks. That guy walked up to you. Please, babe, I don’t want to hit you. I’d never lay a hand on you like that.”

“Harry, please. Just a few. I need to be punished.” After more begging and pleading from Louis, I found myself ordering Louis over my knee. I knew I’d never be able to hit him with a belt like Derek, but I figured a few spankings would be okay.

The first was mostly a test. For both of us. It was my first time hitting someone, and Louis’ first time getting hit by me. He shuddered in my lap, and I looked away. His sniffling was distracting me. He was crying, and here I was hitting him for something he didn’t even do. I kept going, though. My slaps got firmer and harder, and I did five in all. Then, I pulled Louis into my chest and cried with him.

“Derek might like that, but I don’t. Please don’t make me do that again, Louis,” I begged him.

“I’m sorry, Hazza. I didn’t like it either.” So there we were, two grown men, crying into each other. When we had both calmed down, I laid us both down. I faced him and thumbed off the tears from his cheeks.

“Do you want this, Louis?” I asked.

“Want what?” He asked.

“Do you want this? Me? Do you want me, or do you want Derek?”

“You, Harry,” He exclaimed, shocking me a little. “That will always be my answer.”

“I can’t hit you, Louis. It’s not me, and it’s not something I can do. I feel _terrible_ for hitting you.” I sniffed, hugging Louis closer to me.

“I’m so sorry, Harry. I will never ask you to do that again.” He kissed my forehead, and I squeezed my eyes shut. It’s always me comforting him, and it’s weird for the roles to be reversed.

“Can I kiss you now?” I chuckled through my tears. He grinned at me and nodded, and I pulled him in by the back of his neck, pressing my lips to his softly. Our tear soft lips slid against each other. “I love you.” I pulled back a fraction of an inch to whisper against his lips, and the responding grin took me by surprise. I pulled back all the way to see Louis’ flushed face.

“What?” I chuckled, raising an eyebrow.

“I love you too.” He breathed. My eyes widened.

“You do?” He nodded. I tackled him back on the bed and he squealed. I pressed kisses all over his face making him giggle furiously. I buried my stupid grin in his neck and sighed, calming.

“Will you say it again?”

“I love you.” I could hear the smile on his lips, and I kissed his neck.

“Again?”

“I love you, Harry Styles.” He laughed.

“I love you too.” I pecked his lips softly and climbed off him. He whined. “What?”

“I was warm.”

“C’mon. You hungry?” He frowned and shook his head. He didn’t meet my eyes. “I know you’re not telling the truth. Please come eat with me?” I held my hand out, and he took it. I led him through the flat and into the kitchen, letting him jump up onto the counter. As I busied myself in the kitchen, I couldn’t help but look over at Louis. He smiled shyly at me, blushing, and I couldn’t stop my lips from pushing back into a smile if I wanted to.

 

When we sat down to eat, I breeched a subject that had been nagging at me.

“Lou?” I questioned.

“Hmmm?” I waited until he looked up at me, and just went for it.

“I think that you should tell the guys about Derek.” Louis visibly recoiled from that, and his eyes dropped down to his lap. I shuffled over to sit next to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He leaned into me, and I could feel him trembling. “Let it out. It’s okay.” And the tears fell right after that.

“I can’t, Harry. I can’t do it.” He sobbed, curling into my side.

“Why not, babe?”

“What if they treat me differently? They’ll act like I’m broken, and I’m not! You’re helping me.”

“I think that it would be good for you to talk it out with people other than me.”

“They’re gonna laugh at me. Think I was stupid because I didn’t leave him!” He cried. “I couldn’t, Harry, he would hurt me! He had sex with me when I didn’t want it!”

“Lou, you can say it,” I told him softly. “You were raped.” He shook his head violently, hiding his face in his hands. He let out a broken sob, and ran out of the room. I frowned.

I gave Louis a few minutes to be alone. I heard the water running and knew he was going to take a bath. He loves taking baths. Especially when he’s upset. So, I left him to himself. When he was ready, he’d come to me.

And he did, about thirty minutes later. His hair was floppy and damp. His cheeks were flushed from the warm bathwater, and his skin was soft when I pulled him onto the couch with me. He came willingly, relaxing into me, and laid his cheek against my chest.

“I was…raped.” He whispered. He had his hands balled into fists, and when I looked at his face, his eyes were squeezed shut, but he said it. I pressed a kiss to his temple.

“And you are very, very brave.” I mumbled against his skin. “So very strong.”

We talked a lot that night. It was painful for the both of us, but Louis talked a lot about Derek and who he was. Louis talked about this goofy, messy haired kid that caught his eye. He told me about his love of football, and how his family wanted nothing to do with him after they found out he was gay. He was a broken kid. And since his family wanted nothing to do with him, he had nowhere to go. He eventually got settled, and before long, Louis got together with him. Louis had been his friend through all of this, and he was with him through many more changes.

He told me about that night. That night at the gay bar. A big, dark man walked up to him and they started talking. Louis was sitting next to Derek. The man told Derek he should put him in his place when he started getting handsy.

Derek was wary at first, but before long, Louis was hit for the first time. A sharp slap across the cheek. Derek said he deserved it. Louis lost the remote the day of a big game, so they couldn’t change the channel to watch it. And everything went downhill after that.

“I love you, Lou. I will never do that.” I drug Louis off the couch and up to bed and laid us both down. I pulled Louis up against me. He snuck his hand under my shirt and pressed his hand against my waist. He sighed, and then his eyelids slipped closed.

“Why do you do that?” I asked softly. He pulled his hand off, but I shook my head. He gave me a small smile and placed his hand back.

“I like your skin. It’s soft. And it calms me down.” His eyes were still closed, and I kissed his eyelid softly. He smiled. I pulled away and the smiled disappeared, but he didn’t open his eyes. “No. Come back.”

“Just a second.” I pulled off my shirt quickly and laid back down, pulling him into my chest again. He grinned as he settled, and I kissed his forehead. “Can I put my hand in your shirt, too?” I asked. He nodded hesitantly, and I rucked up his shirt enough to get my hand underneath.

“Just let me know if I’m too low or high or if it makes you uncomfortable.” I settled my hand in the curve of his waist, and he sighed again.

“I love you, Harry.” I kissed him softly, and he made a cute little surprised noise.

“I love you too.” I said. “Sleep well.”

 

***

 

I knew Louis was truly opening up when he starting arguing back. Even over silly things like which side he sat on of mine, or that _‘No, Harry, I don’t really want to watch_ that _movie.’_ It was the little things, but it meant he was voicing his opinion.

We sat down for dinner one night, and Louis brought something up I hadn’t thought about in a long time.

“I want to go see my family.” He declared. I was startled enough by the request that I spluttered my milk back into my glass. He giggled at my reaction, and there was no hope for me. I was saying yes.

“When would you do that? Why now?” I asked.

“Soon. I really miss them. And because I can.” His voice was strong, but he slouched minutely and looked down at his lap. “You’ll let me go, right?” His voice still had volume, but it wavered.

“Yes, Lou, of course. I’ll never say no to you seeing your family.” I patted my lap and he scurried around the table and plopped himself onto my lap. I didn’t complain about his bony bum.

“Do you, maybe, um…” He started fiddling with his fingers and trailed off. I caught his hands and waited until he met my eyes.

“Do I what?”

“Do you want to come with me? To see my family. I’d like for you to meet them.” I couldn’t help the grin that took over my face. I tugged him into my chest and he came willingly.

“I would love that, Lou.” He kissed me softly, surprising me. He had initiated kisses before, but it was rare. I was still getting used to his courage.

 

***

 

“Harry,” A small voice whispered to me in the darkness. I was _so_ close to falling asleep, but I forced my eyes open, if only to keep myself awake.

“Yeah, babe?” My voice was a bit hoarse, so I cleared it.

“What if they don’t like me?”

“Lou, they’re your family. They love you.”

“I haven’t seen them in almost three years.” I fumbled around for his hands and, when I found one, I tugged on it, urging him closer to me. He came and curled up against my side. I wrapped my arm around his slim shoulders and blindly kissed him, happy when it landed somewhere on his forehead.

“It’s okay that you’re nervous, babe,” I told him. “But they’re gonna be thrilled to see you.”

“Thanks.” He breathed.

“No problem, love. Now, get some sleep. We’ve a long day tomorrow.” He sighed softly and I felt him turn towards my body, laying his head on my shoulder. His hand wormed its way underneath my shirt, and I smiled.

 

When I woke up the next morning, Louis was breathing softly on the bare skin of my neck. I stayed as still as I could, wanting him to get as much sleep as he could. In about an hour, we’d be in the car on the way to Louis’ house. As much as I’ve been comforting him, I don’t know how this visit will go. Hopefully, Louis will be able to admit why he stopped coming around.

“Mmmm…” Louis hummed and I smiled. He was awake.

“Morning, sunshine,” I mumbled into his hair. I watched his face scrunch as he woke up, and he opened his eyes. “Ready for today?”

“’s too early to talk ‘bout this.” He slurred sleepily. I chuckled.

“Alright. You wanna take a bath?” He nodded.

“Join me?” He asked. It’s happened a few times since the night Louis had his “night terror” as we’ve come to call it, but it never stopped being a big deal for me. We haven’t made it to a shower yet. I think that’s a little too revealing for him right now. He can’t hide under the bubbles I put in the bath.

“Sure. I’m gonna go run the water. I’ll be back when it’s ready.” I kissed him and climbed out of bed. He whined at the loss of my warmth, but curled under the covers. His eyes slipped closed. He was so beautiful.

I shuffled into the bathroom and turned on the water. I poured in a little bubble bath solution and let the bubbles form while I pulled out some clothes that we can change into when we get out. When the tub was mostly full, I collected Louis from the bedroom and pulled him into the bathroom. We both brushed our teeth and while I relieved myself, he shucked off his clothes and stepped into the tub. I joined him shortly after pulling my clothes off.

 

“Are you nervous?” I asked. Louis was laying between my legs with his back pressed to my chest, and I was running a cloth over his upper body carefully.

“Extremely,” He said honestly.

“I don’t know why though. They are your family, babe. I’m sure your mum and the girls will be over the moon.”

“Yeah. They probably will. If I’m honest with myself, then I know they’ll be happy to see me. You know?” He said softly. “But, if I let myself think about it, I’ll psyche myself out. I’ll tell myself that they would have tried to keep in touch or something if they really cared.”

“Of course they care, babe. There’s got to be a reason. I mean, I know I wouldn’t let you out of my life that easily.”

“Well, then it’s a good thing I kinda like you, isn’t it?” He asked, looking over his shoulder at me. He was smirking slightly, and I loved this. Confident Louis was the best. I loved all the Louis’. But this one was a favourite.

“Yeah,” I breathed. I hugged him close to my body and he giggled. “C’mon. We’ve got to get going.” He sighed, but pulled the drain out of the tub while I climbed out. I slung a towel around my waist and grabbed my clothes, moving into the bedroom to give Louis some privacy.

When he walked out, I had only put on my boxers, letting my body air dry. He walked right up to me and pulled me into a hug. Surprised, but not at all complaining, I hugged him back.

“Okay?” I asked.

“Yeah. You look really good wet.” He said softly. I could almost _feel_ his cheeks burning.

“Don’t look so bad yourself, babe. Even fully clothed.” I kissed his cheek and he huffed. He took advantage of my still slightly hunched position to wrap his hand around my neck and pull me into a kiss. I hummed into his mouth, adjusting the angle unconsciously. It was second nature to kiss Louis. It felt _right_.

“I love you, babe,” I said softly.

“I love you too.” He pecked my lips softly and walked out of the room. It might have been my imagination, but his hips were swaying a little more than normal.

“Tease!” I called after him for good measure. His responding cackle let me know my assumptions were right. He’s being playful. He’s a menace. I got dressed quickly and hustled after him. Feeling a little playful myself, I snuck up behind him. Remembering how tragically this ended last time, I made sure he wasn’t holding anything. When I saw he wasn’t, I ran up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I twirled him around while he shrieked.

“Harry! Put me down!” He laughed. I continued spinning us until I got dizzy and we fell onto the floor. I laughed at Louis’ spinning face and loved the sight before me. His cheeks were a ruddy colour from his giggling, and it was because of me he looked this happy.

I pulled his face to mine by his cheek and kissed him softly, quieting his giggles instantly.

“No, no. No distractions. We need to go soon.” He pulling away, laughing again, and I nodded.

“You go put our bags in the car. I’ll make us something quick to eat for the road.” He nodded and ran up the stairs. If I stared at his bum as he left the room, he didn’t need to know.

 

“That one right there.” Louis breathed. I pulled into the driveway of a cozy looking house and killed the engine. Louis hasn’t moved and I reached over to take his hand.

“Hey,” I said, drawing his attention to me. “I’m right here no matter what.” He nodded and kissed me quickly before we both climbed out. Louis’ hand wrapped around mine tightly and I squeezed his softly. Just to remind him I was there.

I waited for Louis to nod when we walked up to the front door. When he did, I rapped my knuckles on the door quickly. Louis let out a big breath and I kissed his temple.

“Love you.” I reminded him quickly. He simply squeezed my hand, and that was enough. At that moment, the door swung open, revealing a girl. She was probably a teenager by the looks of her. From Louis’ stories, I knew she was either Lottie or Fizzy.

She stared at us for a moment before a grin broke out on her face.

“Mum’ll be _so_ glad to see you. Wait here. I’ll get her to open the door. I’ve got to see her face.” She grins mischievously and shuts the door without another word.

“Was that Lottie?” I asked. Louis just nodded.

“Lottie, why couldn’t you just invite them in?” A woman’s voice drifted through the door and I heard Louis’ breath catch in his throat.

“Relax,” I murmured as the door opened.

“Oh.” Was all Louis’ mum said. She stood there for a few minutes, staring at Louis. He was shuffling nervously under her intense gaze, but she finally invited us in.

“Lou,” Was all she said before they were locked in a serious hug. I was a bit worried about the contact. Louis still has a bit of trouble with other people’s touch, but he melted into his mother’s arms. He even let go of my hand in order to wrap his arms around her.

“You have some serious explaining to do,” She said sternly. But then, she turned to me. “But first introduce me to this handsome young man.”

“Mum, this is Harry. He’s my boyfriend. Harry, this is my mum.” His voice was a little soft, but he seemed fine for now. I reminded myself to keep an eye on him. I’d excuse us from the room if he seemed like he was getting overwhelmed.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Tomlinson.” I said politely. I extended my hand for a shake, but she pulled me in for a hug.

“I haven’t been Mrs. Tomlinson in years, dear. Please, call me Jay.” She smiled at me kindly, and I nodded. I felt Louis’ hand slip back into mine and I pulled him close. “Oh! Where are my manners. Come all the way in. Come sit. Would either of you boys like some tea?” We both nodded and she shooed us off and said she’d call us when it was done.

“You wanna see where my old room was?” Louis asked. I nodded and he led me further into the house. We stopped outside a closed door and he turned the knob, revealing his old bedroom. He gasped as he walked into it.

“She didn’t change anything,” He breathed. “I thought for sure she’d convert it into an office or something.” His voice was soft, and he let go of my hand to wander around the room. I took it all in. Movie posters, trophies, pictures. His bed was made, almost as if it was waiting for someone to come and sleep in it. The room was clean, something I _know_ Louis’ room wouldn’t be.

“We had to clean it up a bit. But everything’s here.” A soft voice at the door startled us, and Jay stood at the door with our teas in hand. She had a small girl attached to her side, peering nervously into the room. It had to be one of the twins. Fizzy would be much older than that if Lottie was a teenager.

“Daisy, do you remember me?” Louis said. The little girl nodded carefully, and he smiled. He beckoned her and, once her mother gave her a nudge, she ran at Louis. She collided with his chest, making him stagger back, but he hugged onto her for dear life.

“Wow, you’re so tall.” He looked over at me and I smiled, silently encouraging him to catch up with his sister.

 

When Louis found me again a couple hours later, I was sitting in the first room we saw with his mother, sipping at my cooling tea. She was a lovely woman, and had told me several stories of a young, energetic Louis who loved getting into mischief. I knew this mischievous boy. I was seeing more and more of his true personality every day that he was away from Derek, and it was amazing to watch.

“Hey, babe,” He plopped down on the couch next to me and I immediately let him cuddle into my side.

“How are the girls?” I asked. After playing with Lottie and Daisy for a while, the other girls had come home from some errand that I hadn’t bothered to pay close enough attention to. He was bombarded by four blonde, giggling girls, and I’d never seen him smile for that long before.

“Great. I missed them.”

“They missed you, too, Lou.” Jay said softly. “Why did you leave for so long? And why are you back? I’m not saying I don’t want you here, but why after all this time?”

Louis tensed up, and I rubbed his shoulder comfortably.

“You should tell her,” I mumbled into his ear. He nodded. He opened his mouth, and everything came out. The meeting of Derek, which she already knew about, to the meeting of the man at the bar that changed him. He even told her about the abuse. The rape. The hospital. Everything.

“Derek did all that to you?” Jay was in tears about halfway through the story, and now she was a wreck. We both nodded.

“It’s okay now, though. Derek is out of my life for good, and I have Harry.” He smiled up at me, and I kissed his forehead. She smiled at us both.

  
“Harry, can I have a word with you in the kitchen?” I nodded and stood up. She turned to face me as soon as we were out of earshot.

“Now,” She started. “I know Louis loves you. I can see it in his eyes. I can see that you love him too. But, I also saw that with Derek. If you hurt my baby, you will regret it.”

“Honestly, ma’am, if I hurt Louis, your punishment won’t be nearly as bad as what I’d do to myself.” I said. “I love Louis more than I ever thought possible. He’s everything to me.” She nodded, seemingly satisfied with my answer.

I joined and questioning Louis back on the couch.

“What’d she want?”

“She gave me a Mama Bear talk. Told me not to hurt you.” I chuckled.

“Oh yes. My mother is very protective of her children.”

“I couldn’t tell.” I said sarcastically. He shoved me playfully and I pretended to be wounded, keeling over to lay on the couch. He giggled when I pulled him down with me and let me cuddle up behind him. I kissed his neck softly, smiling when I pulled a shiver out of him.

“I love you, Lou.”

“I love you, Harry.”

 

 

***

 

“Did you have a good visit, love?” I asked as Louis and I walked out of the house. We had stayed two nights, catching up on everything. He looked up at me, a new spark in his eyes, and nodded.

“It was amazing, Harry. Thank you.”

“Anytime, babe. They were fun.”

“We need to visit soon. I don’t want to go three years between visits again.”

“I wouldn’t let you get away with that.” Lottie said from the doorway. Louis threw a look over his shoulder I didn’t catch, but it made both of them laugh.

“We _will_ see you soon, guys. I’ll bring Harry back, too.” Louis called, waving. Jay appeared next to her daughter at the front door, seeing us off.

We walked out to my car and climbed in. We opened our window and waved a little longer before I reversed out of the driveway. The waving figures in the rearview mirror slowly got smaller and smaller. I looked over at Louis who had his face half turned towards the open window and grabbed his hand. Light shone onto his face, giving him a glowing complexion. I squeezed his hand softly, smiling at the responding squeeze he gave me. The wind was whipping his hair all over the place, but he had a huge smile on his face. He was truly beautiful.


End file.
